“But I fear I have nothing to give. But I have so much to lose…”
It is so exhilaration, having someone say “I love you,” but such a declaration, while stirring feelings of comfort and joy, can also bring on anxiety and guilt. Because, if we’re honest, “Why?” is the question that so many of us think upon hearing those 3 loaded syllables. The fear that we are not enough: strong enough, worthy enough, good enough, pretty enough, to be loved can be crippling. But believing those words and behaving accordingly, like you mean everything to someone, can be liberating.
I both relish and loathe the obligatory act of peeling layers, of getting to know someone. When I meet someone new, someone interesting with whom I find myself intellectually compatible, someone who could become a friend, I am simultaneously overwhelmed with both curiosity and fear.
And that fear is never of what I may learn about them, but rather that, after growing to like or even love this person, something about who I am will turn them away, and I’ll lose them, all because I felt the need to peel and peel and peel and allow myself to feel so much in the first place, exposing both them and myself to the harsh light of scrutiny. Because not caring is so much easier that allowing yourself to feel for someone and being ultimately rejected. But caring and having it reciprocated, for any length of time, is so much sweeter than being alone.
Oh, the conundrum…
“I may not be an orphan, but I came up alone…”
There is no feeling in life comparable to being lonely even when you are surrounded by others. The feeling of unimportance and insignificance has no equal and, at the time, seems to have no remedy. But, thankful, life gives nearly everyone the ooportunity for friendship, and friends are the family that you chose.