I wish to explore the recesses of my own mind. I was to forage deep and retrieve the mental souvenirs of the things that brought me melancholy, discontent, anger, hurt, resentment and bitterness. I want to extricate these fungi, examine them with a third eye, a means of analysis independent from the biased two that I currently possess, and formulate a means of avoiding such grief in the future. I want to reach into the crevices and lovingly stroke all of the memories of happiness, hope, and love. I want to lavish deep appreciation to anf for those treasures, so rare, yet so essential in order to thrive. I wish to meet the inner workings of me.
“When she was just a girl, she expected the world. But it flew away from her reach, so she ran away in her sleep…”
Why is it that, for so many of us, childhood (regardless of how unfortunate that period might be) brings with it the stubborn, wildly unsubstantiated belief that paradise awaits us in adulthood? Did we really see so many happy, well-adjusted adults? Did we really witness every person of voting age exercising complete control of their lives, and how the spent their time? Did the complaints of relationships, jobs, and lack of money from the grown-ups in our lives fall on deaf ears? Is the denial of the increasing difficulties of life truly childish stubbornness, or is it a psychological defense mechanism, an untarnished hope that ensures that we all make it to adulthood without any suicide attempts?
Want is the most draining of all human urges, leeching off of our strength, creativity, and even sanity. How many days, hours, and opportunities for real happiness have so many of us squandered while immersed in the desire for something or someone unattainable? How heavy did heart, weak did mind, and depleted did body become as we expended more of ourselves than we had to give with so much risk, and so very little reward? I want to no longer want. I want to be truly detached. I want to separate myself from the other masochists of my species, those who allow hope, desire, and false expectations to diminish them. I wish to be liberated from this prison. I want to be free.